I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”