I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

You Might Also Like


Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.


[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*


Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.


wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]


in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle


not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.


My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti


I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.


To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does


my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom