@nigelgodwin

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

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@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

@Tmoney68

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

@noog

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@iwearaonesie

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@Kauaibride

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

@Chhapiness

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

@avainwordland

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

@brendohare

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

@rn_murse

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom