I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
i- i did not expect this
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Guantanamo Bae
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”