@lazerdoov The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
@Demented_Jokes I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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@lazerdoov 
@SCbchbum My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
@Kennedydp5 I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
@OrdinaryAlso pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
@amburgklur I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
@LittleHarmonica I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
@Hadzilla Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
@SonOfCha When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
@mrtruthandsoul According to math, I’m broke
@CandyEmpires Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.