@TheHyyyype [i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
@Demented_Jokes I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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@TheHyyyype 
@goodvibeschic You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
@10InchesPlus A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
@Greg_1_Leg I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
@OFalafel 🍛
@ristolable Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
@tokyorav They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
@theRNbiologist 
@Gre_Gone Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
@Robski_Boy Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.