I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

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[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”


You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …


I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.


Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing


They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.


Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.