I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.


My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.


I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.


Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel


When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.


Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.