I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Oceanography is all about current events
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen