[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.