I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Finally, a door that understands me
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.