I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in