I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
WTF
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.