I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
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I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.