Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
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“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Wife: Get out!
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.