I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
decorating my apartment
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both