I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

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Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!


Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”


ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?


[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!


[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads


Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!


Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.