I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I came this close!!!!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
At least try to make it slightly believable
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.