I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months