I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
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[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Just this preview of the story is enough