I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
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parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Current mood: Potato
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]