I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten