I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

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Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.


“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.


People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.


Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.


I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.


me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*