Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”
– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!