I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
our love story in four pictures
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Ovenable?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.