I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.