I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Children of the corn 🌽
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant