I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
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When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on