I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
“You drive, I’m tired.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Pizza is an emotion right?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*