I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.