I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

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I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”


Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.


Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus


how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day


This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.


Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂


I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.


When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.