I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
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If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.