@WilliamAder

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

You Might Also Like

@suecorvette

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

@3sunzzz

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

@dmc1138

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

@SJKSalisbury

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

@BeagirlNJ

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

@TheSharona06

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

@thepatrickwalsh

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.