@WilliamAder
@suecorvette *burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
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@suecorvette 
@3sunzzz If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
@KalvinMacleod ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
@dmc1138 Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
@SJKSalisbury Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
@TheAlexNevil Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
@BeagirlNJ Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
@meatyocre to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
@TheSharona06 When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
@thepatrickwalsh My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.