I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

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*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work


If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.


ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*


Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.


Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.


Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.


Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies


When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.


My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.