I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.