I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight