Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

See..?

.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?