I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Boating season is upon us.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
“No way.” -Jose
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.