Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.