I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
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Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”