I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock