Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!