I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.