I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Hey! This isn’t my car!
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
White Castle for the Win
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
This took me a second..
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.