I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
is this store having a stroke wtf
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.