I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
A man of commitment.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
This checks out
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know