I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.