I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
You Might Also Like
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real