I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.