I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me