I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
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Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The internet is magic sometimes.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans