I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
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Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Breaking news:
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”