I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Same post same
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.