I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
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My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*