“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.