I am a gravy boat captain
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
a badder mouse
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
i was baptized in a car wash
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore