I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.