i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house