“i am a sweet baby”
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
tourist season
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”