I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
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It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?