I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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rapatouille
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.