I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
You Might Also Like
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.