I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I know this now 😂
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you