i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
You Might Also Like
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
They’re not wrong
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?