I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
yeet
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
john wicks are toilet candles
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.