I am a(n):
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
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Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
yeah i鈥檓 a bit of a rebel
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 馃檪
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
DELIVERY GUY: Here鈥檚 your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don鈥檛 have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn鈥檛 you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.