I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other