I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
You Might Also Like
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.